I'm Scared

 I am scared.  And not just a little scared, but like gut-wrenching, I don't wanna go, what have you gotten us into kind of scared!  Frankly, I really don't even think I've ever been so scared about anything. Ever. 
What is dammed up in there?  What in the world is going to come out when I start facing the hard years?  Why can't I just...ugh!  All the questions...one answer.  His glory.  His glory. 
We are heading next week to The National Institute of Marriage.  An amazing place that was the beginning of marriage ministry for us.  This time, though, we are going - for us.  We're good, in fact we're great.  But we just never faced it all, our story.  The one with all the ragged edges that amazingly God has redeemed and now wants us to use for His purposes.
I am not even able to guess what needs dealing with, but I am certain now is the time to do it.  This time of "being still" that He has ordered.  It's preparation time, sifting, repairing, healing time.  I've been stuck for too long in Satan's trap of "we are ok now, never been stronger".  Not that it's not true, because really it is.  But when it comes time to speak it, to hear it, I can't do it, I simply can't do it.  I'm not strong enough (ouch, that's a little hard to admit).  But, it's true, I'm not.  I have no idea why.  I've never told our story - the whole story - to anyone, ever.  And the first time Lane shared it, something happened, I started breaking.  I can't even listen to him tell it, not to mention tell it myself.
Just today I read it:  "Everything your Father has for you — is over the fence of fear.".  So, I guess I'm jumping!  Taking this flying leap of faith, knowing beyond the shadow of a doubt that this is His will.  I covet your prayers.  I know He's got this, I know He does.  And I know soon I'll blog from the other side of this.  But for now, for a little while.  I'm scared.

To Get You Through the Rough Days

They were rough days, well actually, they were rough years. Broken and helpless, with not even one person to confide in (pride, that's another issue in and of itself). Living inside a marriage and a home that I desperately wanted out of, and spent most of my time trying to figure out how in the world to get out of. That is where I spent many years. So if you are there, let me share with you a few things that I know. I know My God, and I know Him in a much more intimate and personal way than I ever would have if I had not experienced these years. I spent days and nights on my knees, on my face, seeking, crying, trying to heal. Somewhere in all of the jumbled up mess, I learned to pray for my husband (WHAT?!? I can't even stand him). I know, it's not really easy at the beginning, but something happens to you when you are praying for a person. Your heart begins to melt for them, you begin to see their helplessness, and their need for the God that you know. So that's where it started - the healing - was in prayer. And I don't just mean any prayer. I was praying God's Word* over Him. I searched for every prayer in the Bible that I could find that would even come close to working, and I inserted his name and began speaking it and expecting it. It wasn't overnight, not even close. And things didn't get better, in fact, they got worse. That's where believing and expecting come in. Our God is a good God, He is a redeeming God, He is a faithful God, and He has promised that His Word would not come back to Him void. You must believe it, you must expect it. There is much more to the story. And, glory to God, it ends with incredible healing, forgiveness, and redemption. But just for today, if you are struggling, know that there is hope, that He is hope. "He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High shall remain stable and fixed under the shadow of the Almighty [Whose power no foe can withstand]. I will say of the Lord, He is my Refuge and my Fortress, my God; on Him I lean and rely, and in Him I [confidently] trust!" Psalm 91:1 Amp. Dwell with Him, lean on Him, rest in Him. *Eph 1:17-19, Phil 1:9-11, Col 1:9-10...to get you started.